Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
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me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
🤣
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Cool shirt 🙂
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.