fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
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omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes