@JohnHilsen: You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we're essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
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@ArfMeasures: [park] STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking ME: Yeah, he's interbred DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread
@fro_vo: Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home Me: can't he just get a ride home with friends Wife: again, our son's name is not Milk
@thetits: Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
@joejwest: [restaurant] WAITER: [brings bill] ME: I got this DATE: Thanks ME: [gets out piggy bank] [hits it w/ hammer] [it is filled w/ bees] ME: RUN