@JohnHilsen: You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we're essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
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@SnizzleFrizzle: 12: "Why don't girls like playing dodgeball?" Because we don't like getting hit by balls. 12: *giggles for 5 minutes* You are so my child
@samalmightysam: ''Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.'' -Jesus flirting in a bar
@Brianhopecomedy: Cashier: "Sir, the toilet paper you're buying goes on sale tomorrow." "COOL, I'LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN."
@ArfMeasures: HER: You've run over my dog ME: I'm so sorry HER: You're gonna have to replace him ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please