@JohnHilsen: You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we're essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
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@Gre_Gone: *caches football thrown from off screen* "Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
@TeaPartyCat: BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
@bobvulfov: APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop [flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet] ME: hurricane
@TrainedHedonist: Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.