You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
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i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
The Joker was right
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*