You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
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I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.