If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
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18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!