You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
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Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Wait for it
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”