@PunkHistory: "You gotta keep 'em separated!" -the dude from the Offspring whenever he's doing laundry.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [doctor presses play] [video of me having a hard time slowing down after exiting an airport moving sidewalk] couple: maybe a different donor
@NoticablyBacon: The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
@ObscureGent: If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I'm gonna call for help is a plumber.
@HockeyGoddess24: I have the bible on my iPod (stop laughing!) and it just had an update. Now I'm really confused .....