“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
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boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Pat is about to own someone
I remember when things only cost an arm.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
A woman drives into a bar.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.