“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
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dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
*watches the world burn*
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.