You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
You Might Also Like
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.