You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
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My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
i hope my email finds you on fire
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
keep reaching for the stars, kid: