Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
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I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common