You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
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Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Yes, this is exactly right
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way