“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
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picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
BRAKING NEWS!!
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.