you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
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DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I occasionally drink every single night.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Banana is the quietest snack
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.