@famouscrab: you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
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@peeznuts: -Give it to me straight doc. -You'll never walk again. -Now give it to me gay. -You'll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who's laughing now?
@SaraMansford: A wine tasting? Where people SPIT OUT precious wine?! Sure, maybe we could go to the humane society and watch them put puppies to sleep too.
@carlyken: When it comes to politics I'm an agnostic. I don't believe there's an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.