You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal