@FreshTerritory: You guys are even more beautiful now that I'm wearing my "wine glasses".
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@UnFitz: "The Godfather" teaches us that: 1. Nothing is more important than family and 2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
@tigdonovan: Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You're going to blow my secret that I'm a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
@TheTweetOfGod: Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
@XplodingUnicorn: I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain. My favorite child is the Roomba.