[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
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Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people