You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
You Might Also Like
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
this is me
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business