You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Wise advice
I did not eat the cake…
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes