You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
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ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.