When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*seductively corrects your posture*
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”