You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.