You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
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romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
The news in a nutshell.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
necessity is the mother of invention
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?