You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
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in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Life with a cat in one tweet
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Perfect.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*