You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
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“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it