You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
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We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.