Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
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Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!