Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
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Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany