@SirEviscerate: You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
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@Cheeseboy22: The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
@rockymomax: ME: this is great INSTRUCTOR: you've never used a gun before, huh? ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
@_troyjohnson: 5yo: "Dad we don't have a chimney. How will Santa get in?" Me: Probably through my credit card. 5: what? Me: what?
@walks_on_legs: Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.