@SirEviscerate: You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
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@djdarrellripley: Him: I'll pay for dinner. Me: I want to pay. Him: I'll feel better if you let me pay. Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead...
@joe_binkley: (Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse) Friends: Are you sure you've played water polo before?
@gerryhatric: A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds. He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
@Asbo_Unicorn: When asked which is more important looks or brains? 9 out of 10 zombies said "braaaaiiiiinnnnssss" number 10 ate the researcher.