You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
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Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Nigella has gone too far this time.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.