You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
You Might Also Like
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.