You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
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The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’