@LindaInDisguise: You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
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@garrettbarry70: A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.
@moose_chocolate: "Carrie" is my favourite movie about how religious faith leads to supernatural mass murder.
@MarkAgee: People are shitting on gorilla kid's mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could've run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
@DraggingFeeties: All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don't have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.