@KenJennings: You guys know Chumbawamba broke up because you kept spelling it "Chumbawumba," right?
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@joejwest: SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
@YourAnMoron: Judge "Why are you divorcing her?" Me "She changed the station during Bohemian Rhapsody." J "You get half her stuff." *air guitar solo*
@ElKnuckelhombre: Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop...now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit. Wife to therapist: Do you see what I'm dealing with here?
@flashember: The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.