@KenJennings: You guys know Chumbawamba broke up because you kept spelling it "Chumbawumba," right?
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@CoopSoSarc: Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
@Michael_Erhart: Person: "That's a beautiful baby." Me: "Thanks, I named him after his grandpa." Person: "Awe, what's his name?" Me: "Grandpa."
@MarkAgee: I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
@Bob_Heller: "May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?" "Um, there's no such thing." "There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!"