@KenJennings: You guys know Chumbawamba broke up because you kept spelling it "Chumbawumba," right?
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@FuckabillyRex: I thought she said "tantrum sex" and this is probably the most I've ever disappointed a woman.
@weinerdog4life: I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Boss: We're all human. We all make mistakes. Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]
@samalmightysam: Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.