[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
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I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way