You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
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Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?