You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
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Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
SF is the wild wild west man
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat