Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
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when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Dead sexy!!
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
📽️movie date🎞️
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.