You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
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When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College