@TheRolo: You guys talk about sex like it's so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
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@lovemydogduck: My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I'm practicing jumping out of a moving car.
@yoyoha: If you love someone: 1. Set them free 2. Drunk dial them 3. Read too much into their FB posts 4. Make them feel sorry for you 5. Die alone
@mjkspeaks: [interview] Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years? Me: "OMG I'M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!"