You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
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Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
If snakes were wide
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.