Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
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Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
boat question
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.