RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
You Might Also Like
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
The smoothest fall of all time
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies