I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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Found my door mat
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.