I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
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[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Beauty and the Beast
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
thanksgiving in nutshell
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Okay
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.