“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
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Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Me: how are you
Friday: good
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible