I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
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ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Anyone really
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.