@jake_lach: You had a panic attack on the elevator, so no, you can't go with me to buy drugs
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@iwearaonesie: wife: how is it outside? me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy's trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
@EndhooS: "If anyone has any objections, speak now or- SHES LITERALLY A BANANA Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA? Best man: I f'kin KNEW she bruised too easily
@fro_vo: [gettysburg] Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago- Me: wtf does that mean Abraham Lincoln: 87 Me: say 87 then
@yungsweater: *Playing catch* *dad throws ball over fence* "I'll get it son!" *25 years later* "Wow he must've thrown it far"