@jake_lach: You had a panic attack on the elevator, so no, you can't go with me to buy drugs
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@JMFnSparks: Dear men, I can make your girl scream louder than you can ever make her! Love, Spiders
@ComedicBust: [Commercial] "Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?" Me: YES "Maybe it's time you re-evaluate your life." Me: [heavy sigh]
@AbbyHasIssues: I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.