@UncleBob56: You had me at "Bathes regularly".
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@dafloydsta: [job interview] "Why do you want to be a librarian?" I like people "What do you like about them?" *whispers* I like telling them to shut up
@scorpicpanda: If I've learned one thing from watching horror movies, it's if you buy snacks from vending machines, you will die.
@zombieparrot: Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
@shopkins776: With all due respect to the Spice Girls. If you're gonna be my lover, I would prefer it if you didn't get with my friends