You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Welcome
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means