Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
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Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Gemma Correll
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Finished stitching this today 😇
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.