Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
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Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Intelligence is the new cleavage
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?