I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
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Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.