@_youhadonejob1: You Had One Job!
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@BakwasRadio: Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
@JLazySAngus: Customer Service: "Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?" Me: "Wouldn't you rather save that for someone you actually helped?"
@GregHenchman: I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?