DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
So glad we cleared that up
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today